“When We Don’t Know What to Say”

By Reverend James Kubal-Komoto

Saltwater Unitarian Universalist Church

Des Moines, Washington

November 1, 2009

Note: Though I used individuals’ names when I preached this sermon, I have removed their names in the distributed copy of this sermon.

            Let me describe what I think is a common situation among us.

            Something difficult or bad or terrible or even worse than terrible happens to somebody we love or at least care about, and we desperately want to say or do something that will show that we care or that may even be helpful in some small way.

            But we have absolutely no idea what to say or do. We want to know some magic words which might help to make things better, but when rack our brains for magic words, we find that we don’t know any, so we fear that whatever we say or do might somehow make things worse, might come across as awkward or inappropriate, and so we’re at least tempted to do or say nothing at all.

            Let me ask you. Is this indeed a common situation among us or is this just another one of my many idiosyncratic quirks?

           This is a question that I’ve been interested in for a while, but instead of seeking out some book on the subject, some expert’s words which I could share with you, I decided to do something else.

            A few weeks ago, I sent out an email to several members of the congregation who I knew had experienced some difficult life situations in recent years, some of the kind of experience that many of us fear the most, that are even perhaps the stuff of our nightmares, and in that email I asked several questions.

            “When this happened to you,” I asked, “were there things that people said or did - - family members, friends, neighbors, church members, that felt particularly caring, helpful, or supportive to you? And were there things that, while they may have been well-intentioned, were less than helpful or even hurtful? Were there things that you had hoped people had said or did that they didn’t say or do?”

            I have to say that I felt a little awkward even sending out the email, perhaps out of fear that I would be opening up healed wounds for people, but most of the people to whom I wrote were very willing to share their thoughts and experiences and also glad to be asked.

            This morning I’d like to share some of the responses I got to my questions, but before I do I would truly like to thank those I asked for their willing to reflect on these questions and their willingness to openly share their experiences with all of us.

            I asked ----- about her experience of losing her job a few months ago.

            ----- told me that she actually wasn’t too sad about losing her job since she didn’t like it much anyway and that the time off has given her time to spend more time with her daughter and take some classes to head in a new career direction.

            Still, here are some of the things that ----- said people have said to her that haven’t been very helpful:

“Have you found a job yet?”

 “Do you have any prospects?

“What’s the unemployment rate now?”

“How are you going to get by? Don’t you have a lot of bills?”

“So, when’s your husband going back to work?”

“That’s too bad you lost your job.  Hope you know I’m not in any position to help you.”

“I hope you find a job right away. You can’t afford to be unemployed.”

“How long are your unemployment benefits? You’ll never find another job in this economy.”

            And here are some of the things that ----- said people have said to her that were helpful:

“I’m sorry you lost your job.  I know it is stressful. I’m here if you need me.”

“Take advantage of this time with your family. You won’t ever have regrets. You don’t need a lot of money to enjoy your time together.”

“Use this time to think about what you would rather be doing and figure out what you need to do to get there.”

“Think about going back to school or retraining if it will help you get the job you want.”

            ----- is now very happily married, but I asked her about her experience of separation and divorce within the past few years.

            ----- wrote me, “The only time I was upset when somebody said something to me was when my mother said, ‘I wish you were angrier.’ In other words, it never helps to tell somebody that whatever they are currently feeling is not valid.”

            For -----, there were some very specific things that people said to her that really did help her.

            During her divorce, her biggest concern was around her daughter -----, and it helped, ----- said, when people repeatedly assured her, in response to the worries she shared, that ----- was going to be okay, that children are strong and resilient. “Folks just kept reassuring me that she would be fine, she was smart and strong. Sort of a ‘You can’t possibly mess her up, cause she’s stronger than that with or without you.’ My biggest anxiety began to recede gradually with that repeated message.”

            ----- also said it helped her to hear repeatedly that you can’t force other people to be what you want them to be, and, she said hearing this helped her realize that “It would cause less damage ultimately to stop trying to stand in the middle of the river, after the damn broke, trying to hold back the flood waters, and be better to focus on trying to swim to shore.” ----- said it helped when people encouraged her to “focus on changing me - - focus on my real responsibilities.” ----- said, “It helped. It is still helping.”

            I asked ----- -----, who experienced some health challenges last spring, about what was helpful to him. “It wasn’t special words or emails,” ----- said. “We who are in that situation can decipher those tag lines as stale clichés.” Instead, ----- said what was most supportive was when people actually did things, especially things that just involved spending time with him.

            ----- wrote, “---- [visited me] to just sit and bullshit for a bit. Not just one call but a number of calls. He showed an interest in me the human, not the disabled, needy, helpless individual. ---- and ----- came after church and sat with me and provided lunch and conversation. ---- asked if she could come over and meditate with me.”

            I asked ----- about his experience of being diagnosed with and treated for prostate cancer about five years ago. ----- responded reflectively. “Prostate cancer is not one ‘we’ talk about much. My impression is that we talk about breast cancer more easily. I don’t remember talking about it openly to all. The way I feel now I would have lit a candle about it.”

            ----- also wrote this: “I really don’t remember anything said that was really good or not so good, but I will comment on the topic of what to say. Most of us are at a loss for words as to what to say to anyone. I don’t want to sound too common, ‘I hope things turn out well for you.’ If I say, ‘I’ll pray for you and the doctor’ to a Unitarian Universalist, how is that going to go down since most of us don’t pray in what we believe is the common definition of that in our society? Is saying, ‘You will be in my thoughts’ adequate? I want to say: ‘I care about you and what you are going through. I hope the best for you.’ Is that adequate?”

           I also asked ----- who has more recently been diagnosed and treated for an aggressive form of prostate cancer.

            Here are some things that ----- said people said to him that didn’t help:

            “If you don’t improve, don’t blame God. He may have other plans for you.” That -----, said, came from his mother.

            “My uncle had that type of cancer, and now everything is fine.”

            “I’ve never seen a bladder that looks this bad.”

            ‘That,” ----- said, “was from my urologist, to whom I replied, ‘I need to talk to someone who has,’ and promptly found a new doctor.”

            ----- also wrote, “Spare me the anecdotal stories on non-traditional/fringe healing options. They are generally without solid scientific data and these places do not report their failure rate. Trust me when I say I have assembled a good team and have done research.”

            ----- also wrote, “Ask yourself, are you calling for me or for yourself? If you’re just using me as a sounding board so you can hear yourself talk about you or your friend’s medical problem, then please, I’d rather you send a card.”

             ----- wrote in general that he discovered that listening skills in particular and communication skills in general are in short supply.

            “I know that many people ask, ‘How are you?’ and don’t really want an answer. It’s just a greeting,” but ----- says that if you do ask, “How are you?” you should be prepared to listen to an answer, but also be sensitive if the person changes the subject - - a good indication he or she doesn’t want to talk about it, at least right now.

            “The person with the disease should take some responsibility here too. I learned to give enough of an answer to allow for a follow-up question if they are truly interested, or to keep it vague if I wasn’t in the mood. ‘Coping well with a lousy situation,’ was probably the most  honest short reply I gave and it worked well. I also had to be honest sometimes and say, “Thanks for asking, some days are pretty rough.”

            Here are some things that ----- said people said to him that did help:

            “Cancer sucks!” and other comments acknowledging the reality of his situation.

            “I can only imagine the roller coaster you must be on.”

            “I’m sorry. It must be difficult.”

            Another friend, who also has cancer, regularly reminded him that his cancer didn’t define him, and that helped.

            ----- also said, “An old high school buddy called at least once a week from Idaho and we talked about everything except cancer. Most calls were less than two minutes, and his random, often anything-but-normal calls kept some normalcy in my day.”

            Like others, ----- said that he also really appreciated specific offers of help, such as, “I’m going to bring some meals so ----- doesn’t have to think about it. Is this the best week, or the next?” or “I want to take you to the hospital for some of your treatments. Will this Friday work?”

            But ----- said what meant the most to him was when people offered care and support to his wife -----. “The spouse is under stress also. They need love and compassion. If you did a David Letterman’s  ‘Top Ten List’ this would be my #1.”      

            However, on second thought, ----- said, the thing that actually helped the most was when ----- said, “I think we should get a puppy.” ----- said, “We did, and he’s my ‘therapy dog’ and been a real life-saver.’

            I asked ----- , who used to attend this church regularly and still participates on some of our email lists, about his experience of fairly recently being diagnosed and treated for a very aggressive, life-threatening brain tumor.

            ----- wrote these words to me:

            “When my ex-wife was diagnosed with cancer 18 years ago, she attempted to keep it as quiet as possible for a variety of reasons, but I absolutely know that one of the reasons was the tendency of people to throw their arms around her and give her a blubbery, tear-filled, ‘I’m so sorry, this is terrible, all my prayers, etc.’ speech.

            “I decided to take a different tack, and ensured all my family and friend knew whatever I knew - - but I did impose some rules:

·         No flowers

·         No gifts

·         No sniveling.”

            ----- soon discovered that people found other ways of showing their compassion, and as ----- said, “I suppose nothing shows compassion and caring like a home-made-pie of some type,” so ----- added more rules, which he sent out by email to family and friends:

            “We know that chopped carrots just don’t say, ‘I care’ the way a warm blueberry pies does, but we have received one pie per day for the past week. Consequently, if you feel moved to bring food, please consider bringing light dishes, replete in whole grains, low fat, and fruit and vegetable-oriented foods.

            ----- says that people have thanked him profusely for offering suggestions on what to bring.

            ----- said that he has really appreciated concrete offers of help, and some things that people have said as well. “One friend wrote back, ‘Damn it (I hope that’s not sniveling).’ I got a smile out of that.”

            ----- said, “In my case, I have decided that I’m fighting this cancer, and I’m going to ‘kick its butt’, and I always appreciate people’s acknowledgment of that fact. I can’t think of anything thus far said, written, or assumed that was hurtful. But I will say that I prefer that people treat my diagnosis like it’s just another example of ‘shit happens’ in this life, and they offer help and/or assistance where appropriate to help me reach my goals.”

            I asked ---- about her experience of her mother’s death several years ago. ----- said the she appreciated the caring, supportive comments that many people made, but she said, “I especially was touched when my co-workers gave me a flowering cherry tree. It blooms in the spring just about the time my mother died, so I think of her as I watch the buds swell in March, wondering exactly when they will open.”

            I suspect that one of the situations that is most likely to leave us wondering what to say is when somebody’s child dies, and so I asked ----- about the experience of the death of her adult daughter ---- . Among the less helpful comments that ----- received were ones that made assumptions about her religious beliefs. For example, hearing people say, “Well, she’s in a better place now,” wasn’t very helpful. But another very common thing that ----- heard was, “No parent should have to bury a child.” ----- wrote, “I never found any response to that kind of declarative statement.”

            ----- said one of the most helpful things that anyone said to her was from ---- in the Welcoming Room. ---- asked, “Where do you keep/carry ---- now?” ----- says, “Without a thought I told her I imagine her in the infant back pack I used to carry her in. It makes tears come now as I think relieve her query and the answer it elicited. How loving of her and how lovely for me.”

            According to some studies, the most stressful loss is the loss of a spouse, and I asked ----- about her experience of losing ----,   her husband of 62 years last year.

            Here are some of the things that ----- said people said to her or did that were less than helpful:

            “You’ll get over the loss in time.”

            “----- was over 90 and had lived a good life.”

            “At least you are in fairly good health.’”

            “You have your children to comfort you. Some people have no close family.’”

            “You took care of your husband for more than four years but I took care of my husband for eight years.”

            “You’ll get used it.”

            “At least the stress of caring for your husband is over.”

            “It’s good that ----- is no longer in pain.”

            “You can go and come as often as you please now that you aren’t in full care of -----.”

            “Friends saying later that they didn’t know whether they should bother me with phone calls after the death.”

            “Getting super-religious condolence cards when people know I am Unitarian.”

            “Sending a condolence card with postage due.”

            Neverthless, ----- wrote - - and I think this is a testament to her generosity of spirit - - “I appreciated the spirit in which everyone approached me after ----- died. I know that we can’t be in anyone else’s shoes and that they all meant well.”

            Here are some things that ----- said people said that were helpful:

            “Saying that ----- was a wonderful human being and that his life would not be forgotten.”

            “Advice not to make any major decisions soon after the death.”

            “Explaining to her that grief is like a spiral. One spirals out of control and then it all calms down. Then it spirals again but not quite so widely. One would need to expect grief to erupt at a moment’s notice but that the spirals would gradually diminish.”

            ----- really also appreciated many concrete things that people did, such as:

            “Brining a fully cooked meal with trimmings on a plate all ready for me to eat.”

            “Bringing me chocolates.”

            “Sending flowers.”

            “Sending a condolence card with a personal message.”

            “The church preparing the memorial service and managing the reception after the memorial.”

            “The church preparing a maker for the memorial garden in -----’s name.

            “Old  and new friends signing the memorial guest book.”

            “Offering to take me somewhere to help me get groceries.”

            “Offering to go with me to a movie when I was ready for such entertainment.”

            “Asking if I wanted to have someone stay overnight with me.”

            “Offering an ear any time I need to talk to someone.”

            “Gift of DVD of music that I liked.”

            ----- added this: “I needed to reach out more than I did. Even my own family thought that I meant it when I said I thought I could stay in the house all alone after ----- died and was gone. I thought I could but it was different being alone with ----- never coming back than being alone during his twelve hospital stays over the years.”

            I’ve offered these responses without much reflection so far because I wanted to let people’s words speak for themselves but now I want to offer just a few, saying what I hear these folks saying to all of us.

·         When someone we care about is experiencing difficulty, saying or doing anything is almost always better than saying or doing nothing, even if what we say or do isn’t as graceful as we would like it to be.

·          However, when we do say or do something, it might be good to ask whether we’re responding out of our own anxiety. Asking somebody out of work, “Have you found a job yet?” probably has a lot to do with our own feelings of economic insecurity. In other words, meeting people where they’re at emotionally is better than asking them to meet us where we’re at.

·         When somebody is going through a difficult time, there is most likely nothing that we can ever say or do that will fix problem. However, we can make sure the person knows he or she isn’t alone and is valued, and somehow this makes some difference. At the very least we can say, “I care about you, and I’m sorry this is happening.”

·         Cards are usually better than email. Phone calls are usually better than cards. In person visits are usually better than phone calls. Usually, but not always.

·         Sometimes, reassurances and advice are helpful, but more than reassurances or advice, people want their pain or difficulty acknowledged - - “Cancer sucks!” “Shit happens!” I found it striking that ----- wrote that people saying, “You’ll get over it!” didn’t help as much as “This is what your grief may be like.”

·          When people we care about are grieving the loss of a loved one, one of the best things we can usually do is to give them an opportunity to tell us about their loved one.

·         Actions sometimes speak louder than words. Specific offers of help are better than general offers of help, and we should pay attention to what people say they really need.

·         Most of all though, what people want is others who will really listen, offering a compassionate presence, which means staying in that difficult middle ground, resisting both our urge to run away from another person’s pain and our urge to jump in and fix another person’s problems.

            My friends, we each of us has a gift within us. It is not the gift to make another person’s pain go away or fix another person’s problem. Rather it is the ability to make at least one another person feel that he or she is not alone, is accepted, is important, and ultimately, is loved.

            In this religious community of love and care, may we continue to share this gift with one another.

            So may it be. Amen.